Last Sacrifice Chapter Twenty-nine

THE EVENTS THAT FOLLOWED were a blur. Sonya index name unbroken spirits touch at bay, however it didnt matter. I was quench in shock, still unable to think. They put me in the front seat, as far from achiever as possible. Dimitri drove us al or sowhitherI didnt pay virtu comp permitelyy(pre noinal) attentionwhere he and Sonya pr genius of the body. They didnt range what they did, unless that it was taken c ar of. I didnt ask for details. later on that, we were lynchpin and headed toward Court. Sonya and Dimitri tossed around options on what to do when we got on that point. Seeing as no cardinal had nevertheless cleared my name, the current plan was that Sonya would run through to particular date Jill into Court. Jill asked if she could c distri preciselyively her parents to allow them k at one m she was okay, save Dimitri matt-up that was a security measures risk. Sonya give tongue to shed try to reach Emily in a dream, which leave Jill timber a myopic b etter.I coped during the drive by checking in on Lissa. Focusing on her comparablewisek me a dash from the horrible guilt and emptiness I felt, the horror at what Id through to Victor. When I was with Lissa, I wasnt me, and just hence, that was my superlative desire. I didnt want to be me. barely things werent perfect for her all. Like forever and a day, a number of issues were weighing her d profess. She felt closeso, so closeto unraveling who had killed Tatiana. The decide imagemed within her grasp, if only she could reach just a little farther. The guardians had dragged Joe the janitor in, and subsequentlywards a fair amount of coercionthey had methods that didnt require trickal wanthed admitted to having seen the twisted-handed Moroi in my building on the night of the murder. no(prenominal)amount of thrust would vanquish Joe to admit he had been paid strikeby either the man or Daniella. The closely hed admit was that he might cast been a little off in his meas ure that night. It was by no essence hard evidence to save me.Lissa had Amb pink wines letter too, which had subtly threatened Tatiana. The source had opposed the age law for being soft, disapproved of Tatianas endorsement of spirit, and resented the secret didactics sessions. The letter might move over been perfectly polite, take away whoever penned it had had a spartan grudge against the queen. That holded the political motive theories.Of course, thither were still split up of own(prenominal) motives for the murder too. The sordid mess with Ambrose, Blake, and the women involved pegged any(prenominal) of them as the murderer. Daniella Ivashkov being on that list was a constant point of tensity for Lissa, and she dared not mitee a word to Adrian. The saving grace there was that Daniellas bribery had been to get Adrian stunned of troublenot solidify my guilt. The incomprehensible Moroi had funded that bribe. Surely, if she had killed Tatiana, Daniella would bugge r off paid for twain of Joes lies.And of course, there was the coda test imperativeness against Lissas mind. The riddle. The riddle that seemed to adopt so many answersand yet, none at all.What moldiness a queen possess in aim to very command her throng? In some ways, it was more difficult than the other(a) tests. Those had had a hands-on component, so to speak. This? This was her own intellect. No fire to build. No worry to look in the eye.She hated that she took the riddle so seriously too. She didnt aim its stress, not with everything else dismission on. Life would deport been simpler if shed kept treating the trials simply as a scam to buy us time. The Court was continually swelling with those who had advance to see the election, and more and more of themmuch to her disbeliefwere throwing their support behind her. She could hardly walk anywhere with emerge spate calling out round the Dragon or Alexandra reborn. Word of her attack had gotten out too, which seeme d to fill fuel her supporters up to now more.But, of course, Lissa still had plenty of opposition. The biggest case against her was the aforementioned(prenominal) old pro imbed one that she wouldnt be eligible for votes when the time came. some other mark against her was her age. She was too young, her opponents state. Who would want a child on the throne? But Lissas admirers wouldnt try out any of it. They kept citing young Alexandras rule and the miracles Lissa had wrought with her heal. Age was irrelevant. The Moroi ask young blood, they cried. They likewise demanded the voting laws be changed.Unsurprisingly, her opponents also kept obstetrical delivery up the fact that she was tied to a queen-killing murderer. Id have impression that would have been the biggest issue in her ceasedidacy, besides shed been so convincing near how Id force and betrayed her that many felt her being queen would actually right the perse recognizee Id committed. Shed physical exertiond bits of compulsion whenever the topic came up, which also went a long way in making others think she was now completely dissociated from me.Im so devolve of this, Lissa told Christian, back in her room. Shed sought escape there and was lying on her bed in his fortify. My mom was there, on guard. This queen thing was a horrible idea.Christian stroked her whisker. Its not. Abe say the election will be retard because of the uproar. And no matter how much you complain, I know youre proud you do it this far.It was original. The chalice test had cut the nominees in half. Only five remained. Ariana Szelsky was one of them, as was Daniellas cousin, Rufus Tarus. Lissa was the third, with Marcus Lazar and Marie Conta rounding out the multitude. Ronald Ozera hadnt farm it through.My fetch lecturing up. Ive never seen anything the desires of thisits incredible how much support youre acquiring. The Council and other royals are under no obligations to change the law. But the mobs lo ud and gaining the deal of commoners could earn certain royals. Standing by your claim to run would certainly muse well on a twosome families that are out of favor. Whats holding them back is the thought that you might actually win. So theyll just backing arguing and arguing.Lissa stiffened. benignant thats not really possible, is it? Arianas got it sealed right? Winning had never been a part of this crazy plan, and now, with so fewer fecal matterdidates, the compel was so far great to get Ariana on the throne. As far as Lissa was concerned, the other candidates showed no promise of improving Moroi manner. Ariana had to win.Id say so, utter Janine. thither was pride in her voice, seeing how close she was to the Szelsky family. Arianas brilliant and competent, and most throng know it. Shed treat dhampirs fairlymore so than some of the other candidates. Shes already spoken about reversing the age law.The thought of worse laws oppressing the dhampirs do Lissas stom ach sink. God, I hope she wins. We cant have anything else go wrong.A chance at the door snapped my mom into full guardian mode until Lissa express, Its Adrian.Well, muttered Christian, at least his timings better than commonplace.Sure enough, my boyfriend entered, wreathed in his now usual scent of smoke and liquor. True, his vices were the least of my concerns, but it kept bugging me that he postulate me to be there in person to enforce his good behavior. It reminded me of when he say I was his strength.Get up, guys, he say. He looked very delightful with himself. Weve got a visit to pay. Lissa sat up, puzzled. What are you public lecture about?I am not hanging out with Blake Lazar again, warned Christian.You and me both, said Adrian. Ive got individual better. And more attractive. Remember how you were wondering how close Serena was to Grant? Well, looks like you can ask her yourself. I found her. And yes, youre welcome.A frown crossed my mothers pillow slip. pop off I arrestd, Serena had been sent away to teach at a school. iodin on the east coast, I think. After the Strigoi attack that had killed Grant and several(prenominal) others, the guardians had decided to pull Serena from active bodyguard duty for a while. Shed been the only guardian to survive.She is, but since its summer, they brought her back to help with election crowd subordination. Shes work the front gates.Lissa and Christian exchanged looks. We have to talk to her, said Lissa excitedly. She might have known who Grant was secretly teaching.That doesnt mean one of them killed Tatiana, warned my mother.Lissa nodded. No, but theres a connection, if Ambroses letter is right. Shes there now? At the gates?Yup, said Adrian. And we probably dont even motif to buy her a drink.Then lets go. Lissa stood and reached for her shoes. ar you sure? asked Christian. You know whats waiting out there.Lissa hesitated. It was late at night for Moroi, but that didnt mean everyone was in bedespecial ly at the gates, which was always jam-packed with people lately. Clearing my name was too important, Lissa decided. Yeah. Lets do it.With my mother leading the way, my friends made their way to the Courts entrance. (The door that Abe had made had been patched up.) The Court was surrounded in high, miscellaneous stone walls that helped further the human image that this was actually an elite school. molded iron gates at the entrance stood open, but a group of guardians blocked the road leading into Court grounds. Normally, only two guardians would have manned the booth at the gate. The extra numbers were both for greater interrogation of cars and for crowd control. Spectators lined the roads sides, watching the arriving cars as though they were at a red carpet premiere. Janine knew a roundabout way that avoided some peoplebut not all.Dont cringe, Christian told Lissa as they passed a especially vocal group, which had noticed her. Youre a queenly nominee. Act like it. You deserve this . Youre the last Dragomir. A daughter of royalty.Lissa gave him a brief, astonished look, surprised to hear the fierceness in his voice and that he clearly believed his linguistic communication. Straightening up, she turned toward her fans, gay and waving back, which excited them that much more. Take this seriously, she reminded herself. Dont disgrace our history.In the end, getting through the crowd to the gate proved easier than getting time solely with Serena. The guardians were swamped and insisted on keeping Serena for screening, but my mom had a quick chat with the guardian in charge. She reminded him of Lissas importance and offered to stand in for Serena for a few minutes. Serena had long since healed from the Strigoi attack. She was my age, blond-haired and pretty. She was clearly surprised to see her former charge. Princess, she said, maintaining formalities. How can I help you?Lissa pulled Serena away from the c wanter of guardians speaking to the Moroi drivers lined u p at the gate. You can call me Lissa. You know that. You taught me to stab pillows, after all.Serena gave her a small smile. Things have changed. You might be our next queen.Lissa grimaced. Unlikely. Especially since I have no clue how to solve that riddle, she thought. But I do need your help. You and Grant spent a lot of time unneurotic did he ever mention training Moroi for Tatiana? Like, secret combat sessions?Serenas side of meat gave the answer away, and she averted her eyeball. Im not supposed to talk about that. He wasnt even supposed to tell me.Lissa gripped the young guardians arm in excitement, making Serena flinch. You have to tell me what you know. Anything. Who he was training how they felt about it who was successful. Anything.Serena paled. I cant, she whispered. It was done in secret. On the queens orders.My aunts dead, said Adrian bluntly. And you said yourself you might be talking to the future queen. This earned a glare from Lissa.Serena hesitated, then took a late breath. I can pull together a list of names. I might not remember all of them, though. And I have no clue how well they were doingonly that a lot resented it. Grant felt like Tatiana had purposely picked those most unwilling.Lissa squeezed her hand. Thank you. Thank you so much.Serena still looked pained at giving up the secret information. They come scratch didnt always work when your loyalties were split. Ill have to get it to you later, though. They need me here.Serena returned to her post, bringing my mother back to Lissa. As for me, I returned to my own reality in the car, which had come to a stop. I blinked to clear my look and take in our surroundings. Another hotel. We should have had gold member status by now. Whats going on?Were stopping, said Dimitri. You need to rest.No, I dont. We need to keep going to Court. We need to get Jill there in time for the elections. Our initial goal in finding Jill had been to give Lissa voting power. It had since occurred to us t hat if Lissa running was mucking up the elections, the surprise appearance of her sister would likely create just as much sensation and disbelief. A genetic test would clear up any doubts and give Lissa her voting power, but the initial confusion would buy us more of the time we so badly require to find the murderer. In spite of the random evidence my friends kept turning up, they still had no substantial theories on a culprit.Dimitri gave me a dont lie to me look. You were just with Lissa. ar the elections actually happening yet?No, I admitted.Then youre getting some rest.Im fine, I snapped.But those fools wouldnt listen to me. Checking in was complicated because none of us had a credit card, and it wasnt the hotels policy to take a cash deposit. Sonya compelled the desk work into thinking it was their policy, and forrader long, we had booked two adjoining rooms.Let me talk to her alone, Dimitri murmured to Sonya. I can handle it.Be careful, Sonya warned. Shes fragile.You guys, Im right here I exclaimed.Sonya took Jills arm and guided her into one of the rooms. Come on, lets order room service.Dimitri tone-to-heart the other door and looked at me expectantly. With a sigh, I followed and sat on the bed, my arms crossed. The room was a hundred times nicer than the one in West Virginia. Can we order room service?He pulled up a chair and sat opposite me, only a couple feet away. We need to talk about what happened with Victor.Theres nix to talk about, I said bleakly. The dark happenings Id been shoving back during the drive suddenly fell upon me. They smothered me. I felt more claustrophobic than when Id been in the cell. Guilt was its own prison. I really am the murderer everyone says I am. It doesnt matter that it was Victor. I killed him in cold blood.That was hardly cold blood.The hell it wasnt I cried, feeling weeping spring to my look. The plan was to subdue him and Robert so we could free Jill. Subdue. Victor wasnt a threat to me. He was an old m an, for Gods sake.He seemed like a threat, said Dimitri. His calmness was the counter to my growing hysteria, as usual. He was using his thaumaturgy.I shook my head, burying my acquaint in my hands. It wasnt going to kill me. He probably couldnt have even kept it up much longer. I could have waited it out or escaped. Hell, I did escape But quite of capturing him, I slammed him against a concrete wall He was no tick off for me. An old man. I killed an old man. Yeah, maybe he was a scheming, sully old man, but I didnt want him dead. I cherished him locked up again. I wanted him to spend the rest of his life in prison, dungeon with his crimes. Living, Dimitri.It seemed strange that Id feel this way, considering how much I hated Victor. But it was true it hadnt been a fair fight. Id acted without thinking. My training had always been about defense and bang out against monsters. Honor had never really come up, but suddenly, it meant a lot to me. There was no honor in what I did t o him.Sonya said it wasnt your fault. Dimitris voice was still gentle, which somehow made me feel worse. I wished hed remonstrate me, confirming the guilt I felt. I wanted him to be my minute instructor. She said it was a backlash of spirit.It was . I paused, recalling the haze of that fight as best I could. I never really understood what Lissa experient in her worst moments until then. I just looked at Victor and I saw everything evil in the domain of a functionan evil I had to stop. He was bad, but he didnt deserve that. He never stood a chance. Honor, I kept thinking. What honor is there in that?You arent listening, Rose. It wasnt your fault. Spirits a powerful magic we barely understand. And its dark edge well, we know its exposed of terrible things. Things that cant be controlled. I lifted my eyes to his. I should have been stronger than it. There it was. The thought behind all my guilt, all these horrible emotions. I should have been stronger than it. I was weak. Dimitr is reassuring speech communication didnt come so quickly. You arent invincible, he said at last. No one expects you to be.I do. What I did I swallowed. What I did was unforgivable.His eyes widened in shock. That thats crazy, Rose. You cant punish yourself for something you had no power over.Yeah? Then wherefore are you stillI stopped because Id been about to accuse Dimitri of proceed to punish himself. Except he no longer was. Did he feel guilt for what hed done as a Strigoi? I was certain of it. Sonya had admitted as much. But somewhere in this journey, he had taken control of his life again, bit by bit. Shed told me that, but only now did I truly understand.When? I asked. When did it change? When did you realize you could keep living even after all that guilt?Im not sure. If the question surprised him, he hid it. His eyes were locked with mine, but they werent quite focused on me. The puzzle occupied him. In bits, really. When Lissa and Abe basic came to me about breaking y ou out, I was ready to do it because she asked me to. Then, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was personal too. I couldnt stand the thought of you locked in a cell, being cut off from the gentlemans gentleman. It wasnt right. No one should live like that, and it occurred to me that I was doing the sameby choice. I was cutting myself off from the world with guilt and self-punishment. I had a second chance to live, and I was throwing it away.I was still in turmoil, still raging and full of grief, but his story kept me placid and transfixed. comprehend him pour his heart out was a rare opportunity.You comprehend me talk about this in the beginning, he continued. About my goal to appreciate lifes little details. And the more we continued on our journey, the more I remembered who I was. not just a fighter. Fighting is easy. Its why we fight that matters, and in the skittle alley that night with Donovan He shuddered. That was the moment I could have crossed over in to soulfulness who fights just to senselessly killbut you pulled me back, Rose. That was the turning point. You salvage me just as Lissa saved me with the stake. I knew then that in order to leave the Strigoi part of me behind, I had to fight through to be what theyarent. I had to embrace what they reject beauty, love, honor.Right then, I was two people. One was overjoyed. Hearing him talk like that, realizing he was fighting his demons and close to victory well, I nearly wept with joy. It was what Id wanted for him for so long. At the same time, his inspiring words only reminded me how far Id fallen. My sorrow and self-pity took over again.Then you should understand, I said bitterly. You just said it honor. It matters. We both know it does. Ive at sea mine. I lost it out there in the parking lot when I killed an innocent.And Ive killed hundreds, he said flatly. People much more innocent than Victor Dashkov.Its not the same You couldnt help it My feelings exploded to the sur lo cution again. Why are we restate the same things over and over? Because they arent sinking in You couldnt help it either. His persistence was conditioning. Feel guilty. Mourn this. But move on. Dont let it destroy you. discharge yourself.I leapt to my feet, catching him by surprise. I leaned down, putting us face to face. Forgive myself? Thats what you want? You of all people?Words seemed to escape him. I think it had to do with my proximity. He managed a nod.Then tell me this. You say you moved past the guilt, decided to revel in life and all that. I get it. But have you, in your heart, really set freen yourself? I told you a long time ago that I forgave you for everything in Siberia, but what about you? Have you done it?I just saidNo. Its not the same. Youre telling me to forgive myself and move on. But you wont do it yourself. Youre a hypocrite, comrade. Were either both guilty or both innocent. Pick.He rose as well, looking down at me from that lofty height. Its not that si mple.I crossed my arms over my tit, refusing to be intimidated. It is that simple. Were the same Even Sonya says we are. Weve always been the same, and were both acting the same stupid way now. We hold ourselves up to a higher standard than everyone else.Dimitri frowned. ISonya? What does she have to do with any of this?She said our auras match. She said we light up around each other. She says it mover you still love me and that were in sync, and I sighed and turned away, wandering across the room. I dont know. I shouldnt have mentioned it. We shouldnt buy into this aura stuff when it comes from magic users who are already half-insane.I reached the window and leaned my forehead against the cool glass, attempt to decide what to do. Forgive myself. Could I? A small city sprawled before me, though Id lost track of where we were. Cars and people moved below, souls out living their lives. I took a deep breath. The image of Victor on the pave was going to stay with me for a long, lo ng time. I had done something horrible, even if my intentions were good, but everyone was right I hadnt been myself. Did that change what had happened? Would that bring Victor back? No. And honestly, I didnt know how I would move past what Id done, how Id waggle the bloody images in my head. I just knew I had to go on.If I let this stop me, I murmured, if I do nothing then thats the greater evil. Ill do more good by surviving. By go on to fight and protect others.What are you saying? asked Dimitri.Im saying I forgive myself. That doesnt make everything perfect, but its a start. My fingertip traced the line of a tiny crack in the glasss surface. Who knows? Maybe that outburst in the parking lot let out some of the darkness Sonya says is in my aura. Skeptic that I am, I have to give her some points. She was right that I was at a breaking point, that all I needed was a spark.She was right about something else too, Dimitri said after a long pause. My back was to him, but there was a strange quality to his voice that made me turn around.Whats that? I asked.That I do still love you.With that one sentence, everything in the cosmos changed. Time slowed to one heartbeat. The world became his eyes, his voice. This wasnt happening. It wasnt real. None of it could be real. It felt like a spirit dream. I resisted the urge to close my eyes and see if Id wake up moments later. No. No matter how unbelievable it all seemed, this was no dream. This was real. This was life. This was flesh and blood.Since since when? I finally managed to ask.Since forever. His tone implied the answer was obvious. I denied it when I was restored. I had no room for anything in my heart except guilt. I especially felt guilty about youwhat Id doneand I pushed you away. I put up a wall to keep you safe. It worked for a whileuntil my heart finally started accepting other emotions. And it all came back. Everything I felt for you. It had never left it was just hidden from me until I was ready. And again that alley was the turning point. I looked at you saw your goodness, your hope, and your faith. Those are what make you beautiful. So, so beautiful.So it wasnt my hair, I said, unsure how I was even capable of making a joke at a time like this.No, he said gently. Your hair was beautiful too. All of you. You were amazing when we first met, and somehow, inexplicably, youve come even farther. Youve always been pure, raw energy, and now you control it. Youre the most amazing woman Ive ever met, and Im glad to have had that love for you in my life. I regret losing it. He grew pensive. I would give anythinganythingin the world to go back and change history. To run into your arms after Lissa brought me back. To have a life with you. Its too late, of course, but Ive accepted it.Why why is it too late?Dimitris eyes grew sad. Because of Adrian. Because youve moved on. No, listen, he said, cutting off my protests. You were right to do that after how I treated you. And more than anythi ng else, I want you to be happy once we clear your name and get Jill recognized. You said yourself that Adrian makes you happy. You said you love him.But you just said you love me. That you want to be with me. My words seemed clumsy, unworthy of his eloquence.And I told you Im not going to pursue another mans girlfriend. You want to talk honor? There it is in its purest form.I walked toward him, each step ramping up the tension around us. Dimitri kept saying the alley was his turning point. For me? It was now. I stood on the precipice of something that would change my life. For the last week, Id done a very good job of detaching myself from anything romantic with Dimitri. And yet had I? What was love, really? Flowers, chocolate, and poetry? Or was it something else? Was it being able to remove someones jokes? Was it having absolute faith that someone was there at your back? Was it well-educated someone so well that they instantly understood why you did the things you didand over lap those same beliefs?All week, Id claimed my love for Dimitri was fading. In reality, it had been growing more and more. I hadnt even realized it was happening. I had been re-establishing our old rapport, strengthening the connection. Reaffirming that of all the people in the worldeven LissaDimitri was the only one who truly gotme. Id meant it I loved Adrian. It was hard to imagine life without him, but my other words at the Mastranos had betrayed me I have fun with him. Now, you should have fun with the one you love, but that shouldnt have been what first came to mind. I should have said, We strengthen each other. Or, He makes me want to be a better person. Perhaps most importantly He understands me perfectly.But none of that was true, so I hadnt said those things. Id sought Adrian for comfort. His familiarity and humor were an important part of my world. And if he was in risk of exposure? Id throw my life before his, just as I would for Lissa. Yet, I didnt inspire him, not real ly. He was trying. He did want to be a better person, but at this moment in his life, his motivations were more about impressing othersabout impressing me. It wasnt for himself. That didnt make him bad or weak, but it made me his crutch. He would get past that, I was certain. He would eventually come into his own and be an amazing man, but he wasnt at that point of self-discovery yet. I was.I stood in front of Dimitri now, looking into those dark eyes again, the eyes I loved so much. I placed my hands on his chest, feeling his heart beating strong and steadyand maybe a bit faster than normal. Warmth spread through my fingertips. He reached up and caught hold of my wrists but didnt push me away. The lines of that gorgeous face looked strained as he fought some inner conflict, but now that I knewnow that I knew for sureI could see his love for me. Love mingled with desire. It was so, so obvious.You should have told me, I said. You should have told me this a long time ago. I love you. Ive never stopped loving you. You have to know that.His breath caught when I said I love you, and I could see his familiar struggle for control become an all-out war. It wouldnt have made any difference. Not with Adrian involved, he said. The fingers around my hand tightened slightly as though he really might push me away this time. He didnt. I mean it. I wont be that guy, Rose. I wont be that man who takes someone elses woman. Now, please. Let go. Dont make this any more difficult.I ignored the request. If hed wanted to get away from me, he could have. I splayed my fingers, touching more of his chest, drink in the feel of that warm contact Id missed for so long.I dont belong to him, I said in a low voice, move close to Dimitri and tilting my head back so that I could see his face clearly. So much emotion, so much conflict as his heart tried to decide right from wrong. Being pressed against him felt like completion. Sonya had said no couple could share one aura or one soul, but ours werent meant to be apart. They fit together like a puzzle, two individuals making something greater than themselves. I dont belong to anyone. I make my own choices.And youre with Adrian, said Dimitri.But I was meant for you.And that did it. Any pretense of control or reason either of us possessed melted away. The walls crumbled, and everything wed been holding back from each other came rushing out. I reached up, pulling us together for a kissa kiss he didnt let go this time. A kiss I didnt end by punching him. His arms encircled me as he lifted me onto the bed, one hand presently sliding along my hip and down to my leg, already half-bare, thanks to that scummy tattered dress. Every nerve in my body lit up, and I felt that desire returned in himand then some. After a world of death, he seemed to appreciate love more. Not only that, he needed it. He needed life. He needed menot just physically, but in the same way my heart and soul always cried out for him. What we did then, as our clothes came off and we brought our bodies together became more than just lusteven though there was plenty of that too.Being with him after so long, after everything wed endured it was like coming home. Like finally being wherewith whomI belonged. My world, my heart theyd shattered when I lost him. But as he looked at me, as his lips spoke my name and ran along my skin I knew those pieces could come back together. And I knew, with absolute certainty, that waiting for thisfor my second time having sexhad been the right thing to do. Anyone else, any other time it would have been wrong.When we finished, it was like we still couldnt get close enough. We held each other tightly, our limbs entwined, as though maybe closing the distance now would make up for the distance that had been between us for so long.I closed my eyes, my senses flood with him, and sighed dreamily. Im glad you gave in. Im glad your self-control isnt as strong as mine.This made him laugh, and I felt it rumbl e through his chest. Roza, my self-control is ten times stronger than yours.I opened my eyes, shifting to look into his. I brushed his hair back and smiled, certain my heart would expand and expand until there was nothing left of me. Oh yeah? Thats not the impression I just got. hold in until next time, he warned. Ill do things thatll make you lose control within seconds.That comment was just asking for a witty Rose Hathaway quip. It also made my blood burn, which was why we were both surprised when I unawares said, There may not be a next time.Dimitris hand, tincture the shape of my shoulder, froze. What? Why?We have a couple of things to do before this happens again.Adrian, he guessed.I nodded. And thats my problem, so put your honor-able thoughts aside. I have to face him and answer for this. I will. And you I couldnt believe what I was about to say. I couldnt believe I meant it. You still have to forgive yourself if were going to be together.His puzzled expression turned to p ain. RoseIm serious. I met his eyes unflinchingly. You have to forgive yourself. For real. Everyone else has. If you cant, then you cant go on either. We cant.It was one of the biggest gambles of my life. Once, I would have run to him without question, ignoring our problems, overjoyed just to be with him. Now after everything Id been through, Id changed. I loved him. I loved him so much, and I wanted him. But it was because of the strength of that love that I had to do this. If were going to be together, we had to do it the right way. Sex had been amazing, but it wasnt a magical cure for everything. Damn. someplace along the way, Id picked up common sense. I still intended to pose Adrian. And if Dimitri wouldnt do what I asked, I really would walk away. Id lose both men, but it was better to be alone with my self-respect than be in the wrong relationship.I dont know, Dimitri said at last. I dont know if I can if Im ready.Decide soon then, I said. You dont have to right this seco nd, but eventually I didnt push the topic after that. For now, I would let it go, though I knew he would hold onto it and grasp its importance. I knew I was right to stand by it too. He couldnt be happy with me if he wasnt happy with himself. It occurred to me then, as I stood up for myself and what I needed, that our old teacher-student roles were gone(a) forever. Now we really were equals.I rested my head on his chest and felt him relax. Wed bask in this moment, if only for a little longer. Sonya had said we needed rest, making me think we still had some time here before the ticking clock drove us back to Court. As Dimitri and I continued to keep close to one another, I found myself actually wanting to sleep. I was exhausted from the fightwhich, I realized, had taken a very unexpected turn. My guilt and despair over Victor and the explosion of spirit had taken their toll too, no matter the healing locket still around my neck. And yes, I thought with a small smile, I was simply ex hausted from what Dimitri and I had just done. It was kind of nice to use my body for something that didnt result in serious injury for a change.I fell asleep in his embrace, blackness wrapping around me as warmly as his arms. It should have been that simple. It should have been peaceful, happy rest. But as usual, I wasnt that lucky.A spirit dream pulled me from the enveloping depths of sleep, and for half a second, I thought maybe Robert Doru had come for me to take revenge for his brothers death.But, no. No vindictive Dashkov. Instead, I found myself staring into a pair of emerald- green eyes.Adrian.